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*Disclaimer – Tracklist reviews are exactly that – a review of the tracklist. Anything we say about these songs (except for the ones that leaked already) is pure speculation because we haven’t heard it! This is merely an uneducated guess about what the album might sound like.
Maino’s If Tomorrow Comes tracklist
1. Million Bucks feat. Swizz Beatz
2. Scene 1: If Tomorrow Comes
3. Back to Life feat. Push! Montana
4. Remember My Name
5. Gangsta feat. B.G.
6. Scene 2: The Meeting
7. All the Above feat. T-Pain
8. Here Comes Trouble
9. Scene 3: The Hating
10. Hi Hater
11. Let’s Make a Movie
12. Kill You
13. Scene 4: Contemplating
14. Runaway Slave
15. Soldier
16. Hood Love feat. Trey Songz
17. Floating
18. Scene 5: The Phone Call
19. Celebrate
At this point Maino must feel like he’s Phil from Groundhog Day, waiting for tomorrow to come. Like Phil, Maino has to do all the right things in order for that next day, or debut album, to finally come. If everything goes as planned for the hater slapper, tomorrow should be coming at the end of the month. Let’s get into the album.
Things immediately get started off on the right foot with Swizz Beatz on “Million Bucks.” The two take a three-day weekend in the woods to stage their own little deer massacre. Going in with nothing but hope and enough ammo to wipe out the Dakotas, Maino and Swizzie wreak havoc on any and all bucks unlucky enough to be enjoying the nice day. Maino even traces his pure hate towards deer back to a tragic childhood event in his signature raspy voice where you can’t tell if he’s been screaming at people all day or just eating sandpaper:
“Call me Rambo, my bitch is Rambi/
I always hated that motherf***ing movie Bambi.”
Maino dedicates the last verse to how he likes to cover himself in the blood of a fresh kill, don the fur and make sweet, sweet love to his girl, who has to don camo with the signature bright orange hunter’s cap. Huntinnnnng hard!
The album is divided into four parts, which plays like a movie, complete with skits for your listening enjoyment, because rappers and skits go together like oatmeal and ketchup. “Scene 1″ has our protagonist wondering if tomorrow really will come. Apparently the diner scene in Groundhog Day wasn’t good enough. “Back to Life” has Maino and Push! Montana getting their vampire on as they expound on the ills of living the street life. “Remember My Name” is really just three minutes of Maino shouting out “Maino” at the top of his lungs while nimbly weaving in punchlines about bullets and illegal narcotics.
B.G. makes an appearance on the obligatory southern cut. “Gangsta” has Maino and B. Gizzle trading verses about how they have lived the life most, including us, can only dream of living. They also let us know that our street credibility is nothing compared to theirs and any type of challenge we present to them will automatically be eliminated. Not the best song ever made, but it’s enough to convince me to never mess with Maino or B.G. Ever.
Now it’s starting to get even more interesting. “The Meeting” takes place, where Maino gets a promotion. All those days of putting in extra hours are finally paying off! It’s time to celebrate, and everyone knows any celebration worth its salt has to have a robot, which explains the Just Blaze beat T-Pain appearance on “All the Above” (not to be confused with Beanie Sigel’s “All of the Above”). How is the song, you ask? Being that it’s one I actually heard, no comment.
“Here Comes Trouble” serves as yet another reminder to not mess with the one they call Maino. Yep, you guessed it, the trouble is Maino and he’s fucking shit up. He’ll watch you play Monopoly for three days and then smack the s*** outta the board the minute you get up to relieve yourself. He’ll scratch your deluxe edition of Dumb and Dumber just so you can’t see if Lloyd ever gets the girl (’cause he has to at some point, right?). Is that you and your girl going out on a date? And is that your girl in the white blouse? Maino’ll pop up behind the dumpster and squirt ketchup on her, just because he can.
With any success comes trouble, hence the necessary skit “Haters,” which features more hate than Rush Limbaugh expounding on our President. Why can’t people just be happy for Maino? Why?
Looking at this clip, doesn’t it kind of make you wonder if anyone from Black Flag, and not Jeff Gillooly, was behind the attack? Or if Jeff Gillooly and Tanya Harding are part of Black Flag? Anyway, we all know Maino shuts down all them haters with the help of Jimmy Spicer. Maino puts his director’s hat on with “Let’s Make a Movie,” a freaky tale about about his desire to create pornographic material with an attractive female, maple syrup and a whole bunch of pancakes. We don’t actually know how many females applied for the co-starring role, but it sounds like this tale is going to be a straight-to-DVD joint anyway.
Wait, what did you just say? You don’t want to make a movie with Maino? Then listen to “Kill You.” You heard that? Glad you changed your mind. It would have been really easy for Maino to talk even more about his street cred and how much tougher he is than you, me and every other human on the planet, but instead he eschews all the gangsta cliches to “Kill You” with kindness. “Kill You” finds Maino holding doors for the elderly, getting cats down from trees and remodeling homes of people who have been struck by hardship (he also probably should have paid more attention in shop class). The bodies keep stacking up due to Maino’s kind words and warm-hearted deeds. This touching tale will have kids of all backgrounds rushing to their nearest Boys and Girls Club or ASPCA to see how many fatalities they can cause with their kindness. Score one for the good guys!
“Contemplating” has Maino doing just that. Contemplating his next move. Contemplating what to do about all these haters. Contemplating about why that house he just built collapsed on the single mother with five adopted children. Stop thinking and start rapping!
Well, Maino must have heard me because as soon as the skit stopped, Maino started rapping again, this time channelling his inner Frederick Douglass on “Runaway Slave.” Maino takes us back to the 1800′s, diction and all, to let us know what a runaway slave, who could be shot on sight, must have felt. King George III and the Proclamation of 1763 are not spared from Maino’s verbal bullets, as he dreams of the day he can lose the whips and chains to rap in order to buy whips and chains.
“Soldier” has Maino transforming from a “Runaway Slave” into a battle-hardened soldier who has seen his comrades fall and never get back up, like Bubba in Forrest Gump. Although he was never enlisted in the armed forces, Maino lets us know that he’s seen plenty of wars right out there in that crazy borough they call Brooklyn. And also on Call of Duty.
“Hood Love” is Maino’s ode to sweatshirts with that little extra something. Trey Songz comes along for this ride because let’s face it, what are you supposed to do when it’s kind of chilly outside but it’s too warm for a jacket? You gotta get your “Hood Love” on. Maino also lets us know that Snuggies are no substitute for a quality fleece equipped with a hood:
“My neck is warm, it’s feeling lovely/
F*** your mom and f*** a Snuggie.”
That’ll teach all those blue and maroon freaks out there.
Throughout If Tomorrow Comes, Maino has defied the police, haters, fake rappers, women who said he couldn’t get any and anyone else foolish enough to stand in his way. At this point in the album, what else is there that’s left to defy? I can only think of one thing – gravity. Hence we have the sleeper hit “Floating.” One second Maino’s just standing there, talking to his longtime friends. Then when they turn around to throw eggs at an approaching police car, bam, Maino’s 10 feet above them. This supernatural ability comes in handy when our hero who hustles hard wants to peep into windows that Dirty Harry and Blutarsky could only dream of. Score one for the perverts!
Maino then gets a “Phone Call,” which is probably telling him to go to some location for something vague, because the person telling him this doesn’t want to tip him off that a surprise party is being held in his honor, hence the next track “Celebrate,” which brings out all the party streamers and kazoos. Let’s face it, what isn’t there to celebrate? Maino can levitate, escape slavery, perform good deeds purely for the euphoric rush of helping a friend in need, engage in his own little deer holocaust and make pornos with chicks. If we were able to do all that today, why would we even want tomorrow to come?
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what’s more surprising besides the tracklist is that you actually typed all of this hahaha… damn