Crime Pays (for us)
Ever since I copped the last copy of Crime Pays at Target I’ve been banging Cam’s latest opus religiously. Either it’s his systematic ignorance that’s completely undoing everything my mother taught me over the last 25 years or the simple fact that he really will poop in a girl’s car (It’s a Saab, oh God) that makes it the only disc getting play in the last week. I know, I know, that crazy guy Eminem just dropped another album and a Freeway album dropped (supposedly) and there’s all sorts of fresh talent I should be listening to, but honestly, I haven’t been able to pull myself away from Crime Pays the same way N.O.R.E. can’t pull himself away from Twitter (N.O., I’m with you on that whole spell-check being stupid thing).
From talking about Yoo-Hoo coming out of girls’ butts to the kkk, Cam serves up a healthy, heaping serving of straight up ignorance on Crime Pays. Now it’s up to us to find the crown jewel of ignorance while sifting through all his semi-intelligible lines. Wish me luck.
The lay-up line
“Psychologist, gynecologist, here’s a pap smear.”
- “Never Ever”
First off, I’ve never gone to a gynecologist and I never plan on going. However, I was not aware that some people could have dual licenses to practice psychology and gynecology, and even better at the same time. What kind of a 2 for 1 special is Doc Cam running here? Plus I’m not even sure how you could tell someone, “Hey, here’s a pap smear. Enjoy!” I always thought a pap smear was a process, not something you could carry in that extra pocket on your cargo shorts and pass out to attractive females like it’s your latest mixtape. “Hey, here’s my new mixtape and a pap smear. Check me out on MySpace if you need a shrink.”
Here’s another thing I never understood – why do rappers rap about being an gynecologist? Next time try this experiment: Go somewhere where it’s extremely crowded and picture all of those women together. Now picture them naked. How many of those naked women are you shielding your eyes from and how many of them would you steal a second glance? I’m guessing if there was a room of 100 women, there would be maybe 3 or 4 that you would find attractive. Now imagine that it’s your job to thoroughly examine each and every one of those women more thorough than we listen to Cam’s lyrics. Not so appealing anymore, is it? Throw in some 60 year-olds, yeast infections and syphillis and you’ll probably never make a run at another human female again.
“Role a blunt up, ma, I’m a get the lighter/
I’ll have you squirting for certain, yeah, bring a diaper/
Milk, lemonade, I’m a fucking renegade.”
- “Cookies and Apple Juice”
There goes silly Cameron again with his whole “uncontrollable bladder chicks.” I never took Cam for a dude who was into those chicks who can’t go fishing or to a baseball game because they’ll piss themselves, but apparently he’s into that. As a loyal Tubgirl supporter, I’m not one to judge. I just have this horrible image of a thick chick with sandals running out of her Saab to Cam’s kidney-shaped pool with a bottle of champagne under one arm and a huge Baby Huey-sized diaper under the other while Cam flashes her a sheepish grin, all the while thinking of how he’ll tell ‘Elz, “I hit” (unlike those free throws).
Another thing I’m unclear on is how are you a renegade for liking this shit? In the verse Cam goes on to shout out guns and grenades and after listening to Crime Pays, I really do think he’s got an artillery stash that would make T.I. blush. But what do you need the grenades for? Are you being forced to defend your fetish for girls with pissy mattresses to an extreme level? This is America, homie. You can’t get in trouble for liking bed-wetters. Still, that doesn’t make it right.
“We made the sweetest merger, I keep a curver/
The sex, agreed it’s murder, plus she a squirter/
Yeah, baby girl drenched the bed/
Sprinkler system right on my expensive spread.”
- “Bottom of the P****hole”
There’s nothing more satisfying to a female than losing control of her urine after a night of sexual ectasy and heavy water drinking. And who wouldn’t want to be with a girl that’s keeping adult Depends afloat? The only thing I love more than a girl who pisses the bed is a rapper who loves rapping about a girl who pisses the bed. It’s lines like this where I feel like Cam really gets me. My other question is what kind of sprinkler system is hiding in this chick’s treasure box? Is it timer-activated and how does it circulate? Did she drench the curtains and carpet as well or did she keep the urine on the bed? And where do you go after the bedsheets turn yellow? Do you go for a round two or do you take her out back, hose her off and lock her out? In order to keep this topic going, make sure you leave your best episode of a girl pissing your bed in the comment box. Give the people what they need.
“Keep it up, ma, I’ll call ya mother/
She said she already did, why don’t you call my brother/
And tell him what? ‘You hit the bottom of my p****hole/
And you’s a bitch n**** faggot ass p**** ho’/
I said, ‘Ya brother don’t wanna know how his sister is/
And with that same mouth you go home and kiss ya kids.’/
- “Bottom of the P****hole”
Take it from experience – brothers love hearing you tell them about their sister’s sexual conquests, especially one as major as this. I dare you to find me one brother who “don’t wanna know how his sister is.” Even better than that, I love how the sister wants the brother to know. “Yo, Cam, go call my big bro. He’ll be so impressed. He’s always telling me to have goals and shit. I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. Ouch, pass me that diaper. I can’t walk right now.” While it’s pretty ignorant of Cam to mess with a family who’s obvoiusly into inbreeding, it’s equally, if not more ignorant, to insult the chick with five consecutive insults. The most creative ether? Not really. Will it get some looks in Pizza Hut (or Cam’s supposed favorite – Mickey D’s) if he screams that on a Friday night? Oh yeah, it’ll definitely get some looks, and maybe even a high five from big bro.
“I need it f-f-f-f-f-free, I mean a tramp, ma/
And my dick you could lick like a stamp, ma/
And your back you could arch like a ramp, ma/
Get a helmet you’re about to get rammed hard.”
- “Curve”
This is beautiful poetry right here. I don’t speak to women about their most private fantasies, but if I did, I’m almost 100% certain they would all say they want to wear protective gear not made from rubber when engaging in sexual activity. You know you’re hardcore when you don’t show up for a session with dinner or toys but a helmet. Also, what kind? Bike helmets protect the top of the head, but there’s no facial protection. I’m guessing Cam wouldn’t want that. I’m also assuming hockey and football helmets are out of the question. Only the top-notch women are built for this. Check Cam’s requirements – no money, heavy licking, flexibility and willingness to engage in activities that may induce cranial damage. Only top shottas need apply here.
Game Time
“We do the interstate, baby, we’re the state patrol/
With 50 pounds and i ain’t talking ’bout an 8 year-old/
It could take a toll, hope that you make parole/
Play your role, the heat so hot it could make you cold
And they say I’m a son of a bitch. Why?/
Because I be with your son and your bitch/
You don’t deserve her, your fam we won’t hurt her/
We taught her to be a swerver, your son about murder/
Your brother, well, he my worker/
Your sister, well, she my slurper/
Your mom, her ass is fat, my n****s they call her Bertha/
Once a week they might disturb her, with dick they gonna serve her/
Now she whining like a baby, yo, maybe we’ll get her Gerber/
Smack her on the ass, warm milk, then we burped her/
Yeah we love to nurture but we’ll earth her ‘fore we chirp her/
You’ll be a punching bag, fam, we’ll put our beats on him/
Or the ku klux, yeah white sheet on him/
Or a Miami jersey, put the heat on him/
Or a doormat, I’m gonna put my feet on him/
Creep on him, leap on him, yeah, park the Jeep on him/
America’s most wanted, with no warrants.”
- “Chalupa”
There is so much ignorance packed into this one verse that I thought was gonna be about a delicious meal that it makes it damn-near impossible to break down without blowing up the laptop. I guess the best way to do this is to take it line by line.
“We do the interstate, baby, we’re the state patrol/
With 50 pounds and i ain’t talking ’bout an 8 year-old.”
How does Cam know how much an 8 year-old weighs? Has he been dabbling in the dangerous but financially-fulfilling child extortion biz? Does Cam weigh kids on the street? Is he a carnie who guesses people’s weights at circuses? How does Cam know what an 8 year-old should weigh? Another disturbing part of this line – why is Cam rapping to child extortionists? How many people first thought, before the clarification, that Cam was really rolling with 8 year-olds in the trunk across the interstate? How many people first said, “Damn, he be gettin’ them kids” before he said, “And I ain’t talking ’bout an 8 year-old.” How many of you breathed a refreshing sigh of relief when you found out he wasn’t hustling kids but some other kind of mysterious product that weighs roughly 50 pounds? I’m gonna stick to what my gut is telling me and what my gut is screaming at me is that Cam watched Ransom one too many times. I guess it’s up to 40 Cal now to keep him away from the playgrounds and ice cream trucks.
“And they say I’m a son of a bitch. Why?/
Because I be with your son and your bitch/
You don’t deserve her, your fam we won’t hurt her/
We taught her to be a swerver, your son about murder/
Your brother, well, he my worker.”
This is classic Cam at his finest right here. Pure ignorance. Picture Cam rapping to you. He’s chilling with your girl and your son and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your baby’s mother is now a “swerver,” which means she’s probably doing some stuff with her mouth that means she should brush before she goes home and kisses the kids. Your son is also developing into a nice killer. You didn’t know he was “about murder,” did you? And not in the Agatha Christie/Hardy Boys way, but in the Charles Manson/O.J. Simpson kind of way. And on top of that, your brother is now employed by this dude who’s already taken your girl and son. I’m not sure what he’s doing, but based on the gynecology references and moving 8 year-olds on the interstate, I’m guessing your brother is doing something involving the delivery of kids. Your next family reunion will suck. Guaranteed.
Oh, it gets better.
“Your sister, well, she my slurper/
Your mom, her ass is fat, my n****s they call her Bertha.”
Not only did you lose your girl, baby and son. Now your sister is slurping shit. Cam didn’t really specify what it is your sister is slurping, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not Slurpees. And on top of that, your mom is now chilling with the boys, even getting the nickname Bertha. And she probably doesn’t even sing in the opera. Your life is continuing to suck.
“Once a week they might disturb her, with dick they gonna serve her/
Now she whining like a baby, yo, maybe we’ll get her Gerber/
Smack her on the ass, warm milk, then we burped her/
Yeah we love to nurture but we’ll earth her ‘fore we chirp her.”
You thought it was going to get better? It’s gonna get a lot worse before it even starts getting better. Sorry. So now Cam and his boys are not only making fun of your mom, they’re also banging her to the point where she’s reduced to using her baby words. And what’s worse than them doing it? Them telling you they’re doing it. It’s every dude’s nightmare to walk in on their mother having her fun and this just perpetuates that nightmare even further.
Based on Cam’s description, this mom is of the chunky variety. How in the hell are they going to make love to her and then get her over their shoulders and burp her? Is she going to don one of those creepy bonnets and shake a rattler for their sexual enjoyment? To make things even worse, they would rather kill your mother than chirp her on the celly. I may be a little out of touch with technology, but I didn’t even realize people still used that whole chirping feature anymore. Wouldn’t you love to have your mother dealing with someone who would rather kill them than call them?
Now your life is pretty much over. Cam’s got your whole fam working for him while he works the interstate. But it’s not over for you. Not just yet.
“You’ll be a punching bag, fam, we’ll put our beats on him/
Or the ku klux, yeah white sheet on him/
Or a Miami jersey, put the heat on him/
Or a doormat, I’m gonna put my feet on him/
Creep on him, leap on him, yeah, park the Jeep on him/
America’s most wanted, with no warrants.”
Time for a beatdown. It’s not enough Cam left you with nothing. Now it’s time to get your ass kicked, Giles-style. Cam threatens to go triple k on you, which is not only the most ignorant line uttered on probably any of his albums, but it’s offensive enough to make even the most closet racist feel a little uncomfortable rapping along. If an African-American rapper hates you enough to go “ku klux” and “white sheet” you, then he really hates the piss out of you. Cam leaves the lovely imagery of the kkk to bring up a less horrific picture of the Miami Heat. Pretty typical Cam line there, more entertaining than ignorant. Cam then goes Rick James on you as he’s gonna treat your face like a doormat (“fuck your face”) before the grand finale. Cue the fireworks.
“Creep on him, leap on him, yeah, park the Jeep on him.”
Best line of the verse, hands down. Is there any better way to deal with someone you don’t like than by creeping on them, leaping on them, and then parking his Jeep on him? You have never really been beaten down until you’ve had a Jeep parked on you. I think it’s even more impressive that Cam is able to park a Jeep on somebody without them moving. Does he knock ‘em unconscious after the “leap” or do 40 Cal and Skitzo hold him down while Mr. Oh Golly I’m Gully himself parks the Wrangler or Cherokee (why didn’t he specify???) on him.
I’m not sure exactly what you did to make Cam’s blood boil but you really brought the ignorant beast out of him. Your cuts, bruises, flattened face may never heal and your family may never want ot talk to your herb-ass again, but you brought out the side of Cam that made the $13.99 (plus tax) I paid for Crime Pays worth it. And for that, I thank you.
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